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[28 Nov 2009|08:26pm] |
i've been very sick for the past couple of months. my biggest fear is if do cease to exist, will anyone come to my funeral and who? it might be really selfish but i wonder if the people i actually cherish would show up or if the people that haven't affected me as much will instead. my cynical mind will point to the latter instead of the former, and all the fake friendships and memories of people who barely knew me but are somehow affected because "it's so sad" and suddenly everyone thinks that they knew me. i may be guilty of all of this this year when i reflect on the three people i've known this year who died, none of which were close great friends, but aquantances, but it's still tragic and there was one in particular that i wish i knew better. but to be honest, i'd be happy if anyone were to go, because it's the final moment of truth.
i already have the song i want them to play at the ceremony picked out. that's really morbid, but i picked it out when i was about 16ish for no other reason than i think it sums up my life. either way it's just an amazing song. "in my life"
i don't know why i'm writing this.
rip heather russell
1979 - 2009
rip david perez
1987 - 2009
rip matthew schwartz
1989 - 2009
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1 make love not war ♥ keep on playing those mind games forever
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[12 Nov 2009|03:51am] |
i love george harrison. he adds to the greatness of things. like long car drives down windy dark roads.
speaking of which, my brother has a friend named abbey rhodes and i think thats totally awesome.
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keep on playing those mind games forever
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[07 Nov 2009|01:42am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 undead? |
] |
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music |
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the velvet underground |
] |
i feel as though i have awaken from a long coma and this month i've finally regained conciousness after having amnesia for several months/years. i do believe that i definitely lost myself for a bit there and my "decent into madness" (so to speak) happened when i began to lose the very thing that proved my existance. i felt like i was disappearing. no. i felt like i was fucking dead and left to wonder the world a ghost. that's frightening. but not as frightening as false realities or illusions. damn. anyway, i've got my life back from the monsters that have devoured it (there were many: physical, emotional, and psychological) over the course of however fucking long (many years probably) and am finally in an amazing place. like...nirvana or something. that might be too extreme so i'll just say i've reached enlightenment and keep it at that. it feels good to be ressurected. i welcome my second coming - and just in time for the new decade arriving. i've never felt more alive.
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keep on playing those mind games forever
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[20 Oct 2009|06:54pm] |
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i have spent the last 30 minutes trying to convince every one of my guy friends to be pee wee herman for halloween. i am going to continue to spend the next 24 hours persuading them to agree to this idea until one of them does.
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2 make love not war ♥ keep on playing those mind games forever
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[16 Oct 2009|04:17pm] |
silver rings and
magic things
your children
should not know
evil deeds
are rotten seeds
the kind that never grow
you put them in the ground you know
what you will become?
i'll tell you son
she traded life for happiness
with no regrets at all
it left a rotten emptiness
it left her feeling small
it left her nothing there at all
except something she despised
you see it in her
she fell in love with lies
she's not a sinner
she traded "love" for liberty
a bold pursuit of fun
she gave away her sanity
and found that she had none
watch quickly now as she becomes
the thing that she despised
feels it in her
she's living in the lie
she's the center
she gave away her life
she's not a sinner
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keep on playing those mind games forever
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| i should have went to the free flaming lips show tonight. |
[15 Oct 2009|11:02pm] |
sewing, sewing, sewing...that's all i ever do anymore. i just bought some more fabric, going to make some more hand bags. i am almost done with the button up shirt for my three hour sewing class tomorrow. despite missing a few lab days i've made fantasic progress due to the newly purchased sewing machine pedal i had to find at a sew vac ltd. i seem to have lost mine somewhere, how the hell does that happen? $70 toward a good cause. all i have left to do is sew the collar, lining, buttons, button holes, and sleeves. i'm pretty sure i can do that in about three hours.
reading many novels.
i've been writing a lot too. poems mostly. well one. one great poem that's going to save my ass in creative writing class.
three projects due in the next week. i've finally reached the middle of the semester. already thinking of classes to take next semester. i'm thinking of taking all elective class and give myself a break, but all i need are three more GE classes before i get my degree.
don't fuck it up...
tomorrow i'm going to michaels. they have these little coffin shaped boxes and i want to buy one to paint.
living up to my name, much? i'm thinking about changing it though. start fresh. thats bullshit actually, i'm just babbling at this point.
PHOTOBOOTH MADNESS
( more )
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keep on playing those mind games forever
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[13 Oct 2009|12:54am] |
Two jumps in a week, I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy.
Flying on your motorcycle, watching all the ground beneath you drop.
You'd kill yourself for recognition; kill yourself to never ever stop.
You broke another mirror; you're turning into something you are not.
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Drying up in conversation, you will be the one who cannot talk.
All your insides fall to pieces, you just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you when you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you. You will be the one screaming out.
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
It's the best thing that you've ever had, the best thing that you've ever, ever
had.
It's the best thing that you've ever had; the best thing you've had has gone away.
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me high
Don't leave me dry.
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keep on playing those mind games forever
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[09 Oct 2009|09:36pm] |
[while discussing being in a rut]
Matty K:
this is why I have like a new crush every month
I wanna find somebody like you!
Me:
nuh uh!
Matty K:
you
Matty K:
you're the absolute best
Matty K:
I've always admired you so much
this has got to be one of the most flattering things any of my best friends have ever said to me. i've known this one since i was 14 years old and he is one of my favorite people. this seriously made my night.
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keep on playing those mind games forever
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[07 Oct 2009|09:13pm] |
the following is a conversation i had with a good friend of mine that i miss dearly.
me: "i can't believe andy is leaving. 2009 has been a year full of changes."
mr jay: "yeah. between january 2008 to now i wouldn't have ever imagined 90% of the things that have happened"
he proceeded to recall a memory from our new years eve 2008 in which i, standing on a rooftop, smoking a marlboro red declared, "2009 is going to be a great year!" and that this optimism encouraged him to make it the best year possible...
mr jay: "yeah, 2009 sucked Amanda."
couldn't have said it better myself.
i've always been a strong believer of the superstition that the way you ring in new years eve totally determines the rest of the year. i spent my new years eve bored, irritated at a certain drugged out boyfriend at a music shop with jordan there to keep me company, and wishing for a more exciting and eventful night. that seems to have been the general theme for this year. two and a half months until 2010. i have to do it right.
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keep on playing those mind games forever
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[07 Oct 2009|12:59pm] |
drifted in and out of sleep last night, you know that moment when you wake up in the middle of the night and don't recall falling back asleep? i did that several times. had some interesting dreams that i cannot recall in my conscious state. the one i DO remember was being at dipiazza's with megan (reminiscent of last night) and at the door where they asked what band we came to see a familiar name came out of my mouth, very strange. i remember megan and I walked to the performance area and I saw a guy i used to be really close friends with playing a song with his band that was (in my opinion) the catchiest and most memorable out of his collection...except the lyrics were different. I wish I remembered them, they were pretty good and may have played a significant role in dissection. Anyway, as megan and i headed to the the stage to stand in front of this guy i noticed he was deeply concentrated on his guitar neck never taking his focus off of it. When I reached the area I woke up. even in dreams something always gets in the way of us interacting.
----------------------------
I spent almost an hour talking to richard who is currently stationed in italy with the navy.
i think about him rather often and am anxiously waiting for him to return to the states in july.
he just got out of a relationship and i'm worried about him. even across the world our lives run parallel. i've known him since we were both 14 years old
i didn't get the job. back to the drawing board.
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keep on playing those mind games forever
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[05 Oct 2009|10:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 i dont want to go to the bar |
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There are beads that wrap
Around your knees that crackle into the dark
Like a walk in the park like a hole in your head
Like the feeling you get when you realize you're dead
This time we ride roller coasters into the ocean
We feel no emotion as we spiral down to the world
And I guess it's worth your time
Because there's some lives you live
And some you leave behind
It gets hard to explain
The gardenhead knows my name
Leave me alone, for you know this isn't the first time
In fact this is twice in a row
That the angels have slipped through our landslide
And filled up our garden with snow
And I don't wish to taste of your insides
Or to call out your name through my phone
For the glory boys at your bedside will love you
As long as you're something to own
Follow me through a city of frost covered angels
I swear I have nothing to prove
I just want to dance in your tangles
To give me some reason to move
But to take on the world at all angles
Requires a strength I can't use
So I'll meet you up high in your anger
Of all that is hoping and waiting for you
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keep on playing those mind games forever
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[03 Oct 2009|12:41am] |
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mood |
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 booooks? |
] |
all these books that share the theme of heroin addiction or insanity, there has GOT to be something else worth writing about.
so suggest a book that is seperate from these, please.
p.s. if you read Less Than Zero what did you think?
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6 make love not war ♥ keep on playing those mind games forever
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[30 Sep 2009|06:59pm] |
three more months. i can hardly believe that this year is almost over, but i'm so greatful that it's almost to the end. or that i've made it this far, i'm still alive. next year has got to be better. amazing, even.
well the zoloft has been working for about a week now. i'm not the emotional mess i was the first two weeks it took to adapt to it, nor am i the anxiety ridden person i had been for the last 6 months...or however many years...but was deeply triggered the last 6 months and had no idea that was what was going on mentally & physically until a bong hit caused me to flip out on my birthday. the human mind deals with tramua in such a strange way. or anything, actually. i still use the ativan when i start to overthink everything. i feel normal again. like my old self. i'm calmer, though. less trusting, but definitely the "lost" pieces have started to reform whoever the fuck i was before i reached my breaking point. my only regret is that i wish all of this GAD stuff would have been figured out sooner, it could have prevented a lot of damage to myself and others. this anxiety thing nearly ruined my entire life. i'm fine though. it's been a long struggle but i think things have started to settle down...i mean, i've settled down. i have control again, over my feelings and my thoughts. i AM doing well again. this time it isn't a lie.
i have a job interview tomorrow at a coffee shop.
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keep on playing those mind games forever
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